


boy

by nerdynovak



Category: Death Note & Related Fandoms
Genre: But not too much I hope, M/M, ace bandage usage, based off of a youtube short film of the same name :) would recommend, i use capitalization in the fic tho, i wouldn't recommend using those!! be safe kids, i'm not a barbarian, lowercase summary is intended btw, mello is slightly ooc, sorry - Freeform, transgender!mello, tw transphobic comments, way to throw shade @ writers everywhere
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-13
Updated: 2016-03-20
Packaged: 2018-05-20 06:38:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5995267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nerdynovak/pseuds/nerdynovak
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>you can only lie about who you are for so long without going crazy</p><p>tw transphobia</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

I stood in front of the mirror today. I'd just gotten out of the shower and my hair clung to my chest and dripped down my body, causing a ghost of a shiver, but that's not what I was particularly concerned about.

My eyes flickered to the bandages I held in my hand, and I hesitantly unraveled.

Once I was satisfied I tucked in the tail and admired the nude fabric. It was a bit constricting, but it was a small price to pay in my mind. I sighed and grabbed my hair, holding it behind my head as if to test a theory.

That's when the door decided to open unannounced.

"Melanie, what are you doing?"

I flinched and grabbed my towel, trying to cover myself, but I knew it was too late. She had already seen me.

"Nothing, mother," I tried, weighing my options.

"Oh, Mel..." she looked down at me in disappointment. "We can find you help, you know. You don't have to suffer this way."

"I'm fine, really I am. And I'm not fucking sick," I almost growled, my temper getting the better of me.

"Watch your mouth, young lady."

Oh how I wish she wouldn't call me that.

"Now hurry up, you'll be late for school." She gave me one last pained look before leaving me alone in my thoughts.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's a twenty one pilots reference smushed up in here. if you find it, i'll praise you ;)

 I was on my period.

Needless to say, I was not in the best mood. First off, my history teacher decided it was a fucking fantastic idea to spring a pop quiz on us, and after school C announced that he would be out of town for the entirety of next week for some family reunion with all the other letters of the alphabet. That left me with no study partner for an entire week. And, in extension, no friends.

So when I got home the evening of the dinner, I knew it wasn't going to be the most pleasant meal I'd have.

"Mel, the guests are gonna be here in less than 10 minutes, you should go change." Mother was putting the finishing touches in the huge pot of soup on the stove, haphazardly throwing spices I wasn't even sure she knew the name of.

Near walked into the room then, fully dressed in his suit, but he stayed at the perimeter of the dining room, not wanting to get involved in the argument he knew was coming.

"Mother, can I please wear something else?" I asked sweetly, praying that I can have a nice, calm talk with her without getting hot-headed.

"No, dear, we've already established this. Don't push me, Mel, I'm already stressed out right now as it is."

"I understand, but I just don't feel comfortable in dresses." I completely ignored her warning, prodding at her patience.

"Why can't you just wear the god damned dress and be happy about it? You are a beautiful young lady and I just wish you would act like one! Why do you make this so hard?!" Mother snapped, and I knew now that she was officially pissed. Mother never cursed. Not even when Dad walked away from us. Never around the children, and definitely never directed at them. But here she was.

"Because I'm a boy!" I yelled firmly, and my head whipped to the right, my cheek stinging, and from this angle I could see Near's shocked expression. I only understood what happened a couple seconds later, and I turned back to the perpetrator. She was coming back down from her high, and I turned away from both of them, holding my cheek and stumbling up the steps, deathly silent the whole way to my bedroom.

 

 

\---

 

 

I felt the strands land on my feet and tickle my toes. My whole body was shaking, making the cuts uneven and choppy, but it didn't matter to me as long as the blond locks were _gone_. It fell just above my shoulders now, looking decidedly more like the me I wanted to be.

I glanced back at the dress still laying at the end of my bed and tossed it in with the laundry, making a face. I smoothed down my leather top and the dark skinny jeans I had 'borrowed' from Near.

I stared in the mirror and rubbed at my throbbing cheek and puffy eyes. Other than that, though, you could never tell anything was out of the ordinary. Well, if you disregarded the hair, too. I grabbed my rosary from my dresser as an afterthought and as I made my way downstairs, I could hear the clatter of silverware and people chatting amongst themselves.

I stepped out into the open confidently before glancing over at the dining table and rightly choking on that confidence.

Two audible gasps were heard.

"Oh, Mel, what happened to your hair?!" Mother ran up to me and pulled a worried look, her hands on either side of my face before I could shoo her away.

"Clippers happened," I quipped nonchalantly, still a bit dumbfounded by the sight before me.

She forlornly tugged her hands through what was left of my long locks before giving me a stern look that said 'behave, or else,' so I sat down at the head of the table and addressed the second gasp. On my left sat two of the guests that mother mentioned, a man and a woman, and from what I remembered, married.

On my right sat Near, of course, and... Matt? I recognized him immediately, even in the get-up. I spared him a glance and I couldn't bring myself to tear my eyes away. He was wearing a fitted suit and his hair was nearly combed back, but what hooked me were his eyes, sans goggles, which I assumed was at his parent's request. Pale blue eyes stared straight back and remained there until mother cleared her throat and brought the last of the food to the table, sitting gracefully at the chair opposite me.

"So, I assume you two have met?" Matt's mother spoke up, cleverly gauging our reactions, and smiling at me politely.

"Uh-yeah. Yeah, we've met," I said dumbly. My eyes flickered between the two red heads. Matt still seemed to be in a sort of trance while his mother looked fairly amused.

"We've met, yes. But I don't believe I've met your new haircut," Matt raised an eyebrow in my direction.

Mother butted in at this point. "Ah. Yes, Elle, I apologize for my daughter. I haven't a clue what goes on in her head, really," she laughed nervously.

"Mother, please," Near said quietly, albeit firmly.

"On the contrary, Marie. I think it looks quite nice. It suits her very well," Matt's father commented, and at that moment he was my favorite person in the room. Even with the incorrect pronouns.

"Same here," Matt finally grinned at me around a bread stick and I snorted, dropping my spoon in the bowl with a loud clash in amusement.

I was silenced instantly when I saw the betrayed and slightly panicked expression on mother's face when she realized she was outnumbered, and smartly remained silent.

The rest of the dinner passed uneventfully, no snarky remarks coming from anyone at the table, myself included. I couldn't say I enjoyed the evening, but it was nicer than I'd imagined, especially with Matt there, I felt I could relax a bit and make small talk.

So when the plates were wiped clean, I'll admit I was a little disheartened. I didn't want to see them go, because I knew when they left, things would go back to how they always were. There'd be tension and screaming and from the events of today, maybe even another slap or two.

I excused myself immediately after the dishes were being cleaned up and Matt's parents were expressing their thanks.

"Hey, Mell-um, Mels." A voice made me stop at the bottom of the stairs. I turned to see him jogging up to me, his eyes gleaming alongside a toothy smile, but it faltered when he saw my expression.

"Is something wrong?"

That question was loaded, and he spoke it quietly. He reached out, fingers grazed my wrist, and it brought me back to the present. I snatched my hand away faster than if he'd electrocuted me.

"I'm fine."

"No you're not." The reply came so easily, and I took a step back, my heel hitting the first step. I had to grab onto the railing to keep myself from falling on my ass.

"You cocky little shit! I-"

"Look, Melanie, calm down. I'm not being fucking cocky, I want to hel-" Matt took a step forward and I pushed him back with both hands, seething in anger.

"Don't you _dare_ call me that! My name is Mello. I told you that first fucking day! I thought, you know, maybe I could find just one person. _One person_ that wasn't as shitty as _her_ , but I was kidding myself. You're nothing special, Matt," I spat at him, gesticulating wildly. I'd worked up a sweat and my hair stuck to my cheeks but I didn't care, I was finally breaking down, all the walls I built around myself were crumbling and I was gripping the railing so hard my knuckles went numb.

"Yeah, well you're not special either, okay? I don't fucking _care_ what your name is, and I never did! Don't act like your problems are the center of the universe, because they _aren't_." Matt's face went red and his ears were burning, his pale eyes no longer bright, but sharp and cold, and the intensity of his glare cut through me like a butcher with a smile. "See ya at school, _Mels._ " He spun on his heel and marched out the door behind his parents.

"See ya!" I fired back lamely, and then bent down until I was sitting on the second step, my hands roughly slipping down the poles on the side of the staircase.

Mother and Near walked in from the front yard, supposedly seeing our guests out. She closed the door with a sigh and turned to my brother with a hesitant look. She hadn't seen me yet. I leaned my head against the railing and listened.

"Am...am I a bad mother?" she asked quietly.

"Mom, I-"

"Near, I asked you something. Am I a bad mother?"

My eyes languidly opened to see Near's gaze locked on me. He straightened up minutely and looked her dead in the eyes.

"Yes."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't forget to leave a kudos!! love those. and a comment would probably make my life js. thanks for reading :*


	3. Chapter 3

"Mello, hey, are you listening?" C waved a hand in front of my face, eyebrows furrowed in worry. I startled back to awareness, realizing I'd tuned him out.

"Yeah, yeah. Exponential something. Go on," I said impassively.

"Is something wrong?"

There it was again. Those same words exactly, and I couldn't help but cringe. I stood up quickly, grabbing my bag.

"No, I just need to think. I'll see you later, 'kay?" I didn't wait for a reply, shoving out the door before I was caught skipping, even if it was only study hall.

Before I knew it, my legs dragged me back to my spot, looking the same as ever. I went farther, though. A tree sat a couple yards down, and I dumped my bag in the grass and sat gingerly beneath it.

It felt like old times, leaning back and watching the clouds again. Peaceful. I felt myself drift off, away from my problems-

I jerked abruptly, flinging my head back into the trunk of the tree as the bell sounded for the beginning of lunch. I cursed, rubbing the spot, and sat up so I didn't put any pressure on it.

A figure caught my eye in the distance. It was Matt strolling around the corner of the building, cigarette already burning strong. He didn't hesitate to walk my way, and my gaze fell back to the dirt.

He said nothing, sitting mere feet away. A couple minutes passed in silence before he decided he was bored with his cancer stick and tossed it out with one last drag.

"Last night was the first time I saw my parents in about three months."

His voice startled me, forcing me to look at him. The small smile he offered was so fake it must have been painful.

"They're always off doing something for the business. They say it'll get better once they can spread worldwide, but I don't think they're having much luck. And when they _are_ around, all they talk about is work, and how I would make a great boss one day. Ya know, they never actually asked me what I wanted. Even when I was little and all the teachers asked me what I wanted to be, I'd reply 'I'm gonna own my daddy's business.' And I actually thought that for most of my life. I didn't think there was any other option, but-"

"What's the point of this?" I cut in impatiently, getting sick of the depressing childhood sob stories.

He sighed. "The point is that we're both going through some fucked up shit. I know I'm a dumbass, and I said some stupid things, and so did you."

"You _are_ a dumbass." I smiled to myself, still not looking at him. "But you're right. I kinda jumped at your throat. It's a very me thing to do, and it probably won't be the last time. Sorry in advance. To conclude, let's agree not say stupid things."

He nudged my hand with his and took it, and it was sorta clammy and his grip was too tight, but I didn't pull away this time.

"We'll figure this out," he assured.

Finally I lifted my head up to look at him and was startled to see his goggles resting around his neck, and my breath caught in my throat when he caught my eye. I nodded thoughtlessly and he squeezed my hand once more before pulling away, leaving it cold and empty. I brought it to my lap silently, trying to keep the warmth prisoner.

 

\---

 

She didn't understand,

_"I can't do it anymore, Melanie. You have to go."_

but she had so much to say.

 

\---

 

_Three days._

_I have three days to find somewhere to live._

I didn't go to school that day. Day 1, I should say. Near dropped in a couple times, probably worried that I'd do something stupid. I scoffed at him. Like I'd ever even think about _that_.

Sometimes I'd pack, some I would just lay in my bed, wishing I was looking at the clouds, but there was no way to get outside without facing _her._ Not to mention the _rain._  

It kept me up all night. I went to school on Day 2, but bailed right before study hall. I wasn't in the mood to face anyone, and I needed to pack more anyway.

On Day 3 I straightened my act together. I got up and left for school before mother even woke up, and worked through my classes as well as I could, considering. I knew I couldn't ask C for a place to stay. He'd told me about the family reunion days ago, though it felt like a lifetime had passed since then.

And so by lunch, I was all out of hope. I was leaned up against the wall, biting a chunk out of my chocolate bar angrily, when Matt rounded the corner.

"Shit, Mello, where've you been?" he asked.

"Around," I answered slowly.

"And you didn't think to tell me anything? You can't just up and disappear for two days like that!"

"And why not?" I laughed.

"Because I was worried sick! Believe it or not, I actually care about your well-being, so if you would explain to me what's going on, I'd really appreciate it." Matt's voice grew more irritated by the second.

"Well, where do I start, huh?" I yelled, pushing up from the wall. "How about where my own  _mother_ kicked me out of my damn house? Or the fact that I am going to be homeless in less than 24 hours. Or maybe even how I'm supposed to afford fucking food or tampons when I don't have a _job."_

I threw my chocolate down and was about to punch the brick wall in a fit of anger when Matt caught my wrist and tugged.

"God fucking-stop it!" My voice broke, and tears pooled up in the corners of my eyes. I jerked away but his grip was strong enough to keep me put. I gave up, letting his arms circle my shoulders, forcing my head into the curve of his neck.

"Stop treating me like a _girl_ , Matt." I growled without any malice. I was only picking a fight, and he could tell.

"I'm not. I'm treating you like a person that needs a god damn hug."

I laughed shakily, finally beginning to calm down, and sniffed a bit before tilting my head and sighing.

"You can stay with me," he said after a moment. 

"What? But-"

"My parents are never home anyway, I told you that. We have a spare room. And if I'm being honest, we're kinda rich." 

"...You're sure?"

"Absolutely." No hesitation. I grinned, probably looking a bit silly with tear tracks down my face, but he welcomed me back into his arms when I moved forward.

"Thanks. You're fuckin' incredible, Matt."

"The best," he agreed cockily.

I excitedly attacked his temple with a kiss as I straightened back up. The tips of his ears flushed, and he ran a hand through his hair while I tried my best to act cool about it, mentally kicking myself. Any more of that and I might end up homeless after all..

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ah, rereading these old chapters make me real nostalgic, and proofreading them is so embarrassing. you can't imagine all the cliches i had to cut out.
> 
> thank you guys for reading! i have lots of good vibes w this story :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kittens and angst. my favorite.

After school, Matt drove me home to pick up my things since I didn't have a car. Or rather, not anymore, since Near and I usually shared his.

He insisted on helping me load, but I wasn't in the mood for any odd questions from my mother, so I convinced him to wait in the car.

When I left for the last time I hugged my brother tightly when he asked where I was staying. He looked out the window and locked eyes with Matt in the car, and nodded his head.

As I was walking out the door I heard mother choke out a sob when I didn't acknowledge her.

_What happened to my baby girl?_

\---

"Uh, it's-it's not exactly the _cleanest_ right now..." Matt said nervously as he threw open the front door. I strolled through the foyer and into the living room, marveling the open-floor plan.

"What, you mean a _teenager_ lives here?! Shocking," I chuckled at the pizza boxes and video game wires littering the room.

"That's so _you._ " I nodded toward the gigantic triple screen TV.

"It...it was on sale," he admitted bashfully, dropping his keys on the marble kitchen counter.

My smile dissipated as I set my suitcase down and leaned lightly on the counter. "Matt, this is just too much. We barely know each other, and you're letting me stay in your _house?_ I mean, I got the feeling you were kinda ditzy to begin with, but _really_ -"

"Mels, stop. Yeah, I'm probably insane. I don't know exactly how to go from here, but...it gets kinda lonely in this huge house sometimes." Matt shrugged, his voice echoing off the high ceilings. "It might be nice, sharing it with someone."

I turned away, a slight smile escaping me. "Only until I can get my feet on the ground, right?"

"Right," he agreed, elbowing my side playfully.

 _Right. Like it's that easy_ , I thought.

The day passed in a flurry of rooms and hallways. Soon after Matt showed me to my new bedroom (we were next door, jointed by a bathroom), he gave me a tour of the place like a proper guide.

"And on your right you can see the the birthmark of seven cats forever stained into the carpet." He pointed dejectedly at the tinted blotch in the corner of the hallway.

"...You're telling me you have kittens and you haven't introduced me yet?"

"Well, they're not technically kittens _anymore_ , but-"

"Matt."

He reminded me of the sun when he smiled. It was so bright and it was blinding and slightly disorienting at the sight, but you couldn't look away. You were afraid you'd miss something important, like when the light catches his pale eyes and causes a lump to form in your throat that you just can't swallow.

Matt never wore his goggles at home, it seemed. I didn't ask, because it wasn't that important. Not like I minded, and I wasn't gonna jinx it. But it hit me all at once, that _this_ is what it was like to be comfortable in your own space, in your own house. Even if it was sorta lonely, even if it wasn't all that clean. I would have been jealous if it were anyone else's. I would've  hated them. Anyone else.

"I feel like I'm signing off on a new roommate. After I open this door, you may never wanna leave." Matt smirked, his fingers lingering on the handle.

"Depends," I shrugged.

"On what?"

"Are you allergic to cats?"

He shook his head.

"Good. Then you could grab me some tissues. Because I am," I winked, pushing him aside and opening the door. I was met with several different breeds of full grown furry bodies.

"Mello, are you fucking _mental_?" Matt exclaimed behind me. His hand had a grip on my shoulder, tugging fruitlessly.

"Probably." I bit my lip in excitement and shrugged out of his hold, sitting criss-crossed in front of a shy orange cat. I held my hand out, but it shied away with a hiss.

"When's the last time you've actually played with them?" I asked.

He sniffed the air and wrinkled his nose. "Uh...how old are they...?"

I rolled my eyes and turned back to the creature and held out my hand to pet it, slower this time. I let it sniff my fingers before I was overcome with a sudden sneeze, and it jumped sky high, landing on a nearby coffee table.

I frowned. Matt had an entire room dedicated to these animals and he probably wouldn't even see them if they didn't require food and water. Who was supposed to _really_ take care of them?

"Mels, we should go. Your eyes are getting red." I instinctively rubbed at them, standing up and blinking a couple times to see a worried Matt holding some allergy medicine. He must have grabbed them while I was making friends. Well, a friend. If even that.

I took one last glance at the bundles of joy before shutting us out with an annoyed huff directed at my nose, which insisted on running at that moment.

"Dear God," Matt laughed once and held out a tissue. "You weren't dicking around, huh."

"Shut your fucking trap, goggles."

"Are you _crying_?"

I suppressed the urge to slap the back of his head, but it only left me with the thought of how his hair would feel under my fingers. 

\---

Matt never failed to surprise me.

It was only two days. _Two days,_ and I already wanted to bash his head in. It was a Saturday, so I was cooped up in my room to study for all the work I missed while I was wallowing in self-pity, when I heard another knock at the door.

"DDR?" the muffled voice asked.

"Am I supposed to know what that means?" I sighed, moving my face from where it was buried in my chemistry textbook, as he opened the door for what it felt like the seventieth time since I woke up.

"Dance Dance Revolution. Come on, lighten up. You've been in here for _hours._ " Matt whined, leaning against the door pleadingly.

"I'm moving out."

"It's already set up."

" _One_ game?"

"One game," he echoed.

It didn't end up being one game. One turned into three and then into Mario Kart. Which I destroyed him in. Well, once out of a couple tens of tries.

"Why do you always pick Mario?" I asked.

"He's an Italian plumber. And he gets the hot princess. Do I need to explain further?" He stuffed a Cheeto in his mouth, rubbed his fingers on his pants, and continued to play one-handed.

"That's lame," I decided. "We all know Yoshi's the _real_ princess here," I said, accidentally running over my own banana peel.

That night I climbed out of bed at midnight and stole the newspaper from the lawn and sat down at the dining table, circling job offers and snacking on a Crunch bar.

I woke up the next morning feeling cranky and my ankles swollen from when I'd DDR'd a bit too violently. I checked the time and decided it was too early to function properly, so I tossed my alarm haphazardly onto the dresser and rolled over to groan at the tightness in my chest area. I'd forgotten to take off the bandages from yesterday.

"Damn boobs," I grumbled, throwing the covers off my body and stumbling over to the adjoining bathroom and flimsily tugging my shirt off and to the floor.

In a fit of déjà vu, the door that led to Matt's room swung open and I faltered in my steps, leaning back against the sink when I found nothing to cover myself with.

"Shit, sorry, Mel-" Matt's mouth snapped shut when his eyes followed the tightly wound fabric around my upper body.

I gulped, wanting badly to squeeze my eyes shut, but I couldn't move an inch. I didn't want to see the look on his face.

"I..." It took me a moment to notice he was still in his night clothes and his hair was more like a nest. He ran a hand through it wordlessly and reached behind him to grab the doorknob blindly and let himself out.

The tears didn't come this time. It was annoying, really. Maybe my body just ran out of tears. I couldn't have imagined a more terrible reaction. Even a look of disgust would have been satisfying. At least then I'd be upset for a good reason.

I left the bandage in place instead and emptied the drawers I had filled and packed what I had unpacked only days ago. Blown it, I'd _blown it_. My chance at a normal home with a nice TV and fucking _cats_ , and I blew it. No. I wasn't the one at fault here. If he didn't want me here, then I didn't want to _be_ here. I'll leave with pride.

I opened my door with one hand on my suitcase and stalled. Matt was standing there awkwardly with one hand raised, his pale blue eyes looking glossed over.

"What are you doing?" he asked, and I almost didn't catch it, it was in such a small voice.

"I don't know," I admitted.

"Well, don't."

He was only standing a few inches from me then, and I felt a brush of his hand on my fingers, and he released them from the hold on my suitcase and stepped even closer to wrap his arms around me.

It always was surprising how tactile Matt was, especially when put into emotional situations, but I couldn't find myself complaining. I sighed in relief, and quite possibly exhaustion.

"I kinda already knew. I mean, I didn't _know_ know, but I figured. I mean you've made it pretty clear before, but I wasn't sure. I'm sorry I reacted the way I did."

"Why did you, then?"

"I don't know, Mels. It was so early. _Is_ early, and I copped out."

"...As long as you don't throw me out." I tugged on a lock of his bedhead.

He ruffled my hair in response, before weaving his fingers through it. "Never."

My stomach churned. That sounded too much like a promise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> remember, ace bandages aren't always the answer! if you let me know if any safer alternatives, i can incorporate those into the story :)  
> also sorry for the absence, i have no excuse but that i am lazy trash.   
> if you liked this chapter, leave a comment!! you have no idea how much comments would boost my ego ;)

**Author's Note:**

> based off of a short film on youtube by the same name :) go check it out!  
> this is being uploaded from wattpad, so the chapters should come quickly  
> thank you for reading!!


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